Slasher roundtable: which Laker survives a horror film?


It’s October, which of course means two things: the start of a new NBA season and Halloween. With LeBron James producing a reboot of Friday the 13th, it felt right to examine what a Lakers slasher film would look like. So turn off those lights, put on some spooky music, and enjoy this Lakers Outsiders roundtable on “Scream: Lakers Outsiders edition.”

Which Laker dies first?

Deanna: Sorry, Ivica Zubac. He’s the tallest guy on the team and I’m going to make an educated guess that most killers are not over 7 feet tall, therefore they’d probably want to get rid of the really tall guy first. Plus, Zubac has yet to seem like he’s much of a fighter, so he’d probably be an easier target.

Dillon: KCP. I can’t help but think some of the bonehead things he does on the court wouldn’t transfer to this film. While he’s not as bad as Javale or Lance in that category, he’s also not someone who you’d pick in a fight like those two.

Kyle: Luke Walton dies first. That’s what scares the rest of the team to split up and find the killer. Pro tip: NEVER split up in a slasher film.

Who dies to save the rest of the group?

Deanna: Lance Stephenson. He’s the one who falls on the sword for the rest of them. Little does he know, there will only be one survivor anyway. He’s the guy who is always going to give all of himself to the team even if he has no idea if what he’s about to do will work or not. Maybe he’ll even blow in the killer’s ear.

Dillon: It’s gotta be Lonzo, right? The most unselfish player on the team would be the guy to take a knife to the chest in order for his teammates to run free. Plus, a famous murder where he saves his friends would skyrocket the price of those new BBB shoes!

Kyle: Josh Hart. He’s the one that’s saving the team on the court this year, it makes sense that he would do it off the court.

Which Laker is actually the killer the entire time?

Deanna: It’s Brandon Ingram. He’s the new Slenderman. Rajon Rondo might have thrown a left hook, but Ingram was suspended longer than anyone else and had more time to spend figuring out how he’d kill the majority of his teammates.

Dillon: While Ingram is the first thought for me, I’m actually going to go with Svi. He’s deadly from beyond the arc, so he’s bound to be deadly in this scenario as well. And it’s always the quiet ones you’ve gotta look out for.

Kyle: I mean, it’s obviously Kobe. He’s the only Lakers’ player to ever have that killer instinct.

Who survives?

Deanna: Well no one touches the King, so LeBron is doing just fine. He loves Halloween way too much to kill him. He’s the guy who lives and tells all of the stories about it. No one else is around to dispute anything he says and it makes him a ton of money in Hollywood.

Dillon: LeBron, Lance, Rondo, Kuzma, and Ingram all survive, I think. That group of players has enough feisty attitudes, leadership, and survivalist mentality to escape death. LeBron would be the captain of the group giving out plans and keeping everyone calm while Lance, Rondo, and Ingram would all be able to hold off an attack from the killer by themselves. Kuzma trained with Kobe over the summer so you know for sure he’s not dying because the Black Mamba definitely used a metaphor with this exact scenario during their workouts.

Kyle: The only two to survive are Johnathan Williams and LeBron. Williams showed up late to the party and saw Kobe repeatedly attempting to stab LeBron, yelling “You aren’t clutch! You don’t have the Mamba Mentality! I bet they only retire ONE number for you!” He tackles Kobe, wrestles the knife away from him, and then LeBron cuts Kobe’s Achilles before yelling “Amnesty this!” and stabbing him in the heart. Williams helps LeBron up, they walk outside and walk opposite ways down the street. They don’t see each other until the sequel three years late.

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