Soon, 22 of the Association’s 30 teams will be descending onto Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, FL. They will be arriving to finish off the regular season that was suspended indefinitely in mid-March due to the coronavirus pandemic, following that by what is sure to be one of the most surreal playoffs in NBA history. The Los Angeles Lakers will be showing up, led by LeBron James and Anthony Davis, looking to secure the 17th championship in the franchise’s history while LeBron and AD will be looking for number four and number one, respectively.
Before the games actually begin, teams have a week-long transaction window where they can sign and/or waive players. This started June 23rd and ends the 30th, with the Lakers already being active in the market (caused by Avery Bradley choosing to opt out of playing) reportedly looking at J.R. Smith.
However, could the Lakers also add someone else? DeMarcus Cousins? The Lakers could technically bring him back after they waived him to make room for Markieff Morris. Maybe the Lakers’ answers to improving the team are in the location where they will soon compete for a championship? Yes, that’s right. Disney World.
Here are the best Disney characters that the Lakers could bring onto the squad, as well as the worst possible characters that they could sign.
Anger (from ‘Inside Out’)
The Lakers arguably have the best team chemistry in the league (I do not know how to measure that but whatever). The last thing they want to do in this final stretch is jeopardize that chemistry, even if that happens through adding more talent. “Anger” from the movie ‘Inside Out’, would almost certainly mess with the good vibes that surround this team on a daily basis. Don’t expect Rob Pelinka to take a look at him.
Beast (from ‘Beauty & the Beast’)
Pretty self-explanatory. If the Lakers don’t add Cousins (again) for some added size, then I’d love to see Patrick Beverly accidentally get switched onto Beast multiple times in a playoff series. That’d be a blast.
One of the many keys to NBA offenses is deception. You’re basically lying with where you might have a guy fake a cut to, fake a screen, etc. You see where I’m going with this? No thanks, Pinocchio.
From his appearance and profile, you would assume that Goofy could be a suitable addition to the Lakers’ roster. He could fill in as the “3-and-D” player that the Lakers hoped to acquire in Andre Iguodala, with the leadership of a seasoned vet of the animated game to also strengthen the comparison. He brings size to the game that not a lot of Disney characters have (looking at you, Mickey), but he’s still definitely undersized for the NBA. Goofy is exactly 6’0’’, which would make him the shortest player on the Lakers, right below Quinn Cook and Rajon Rondo who are both 6’1’’.
Once you dive into the tape, you see that “The Goofman” plays sloppy and erratic. On defense, he commits fouls so egregious that he could possibly be charged with aggravated assault. Looks may be deceiving for Goofy, with the tape showing that he would be a TERRIBLE addition to the Lakers.
Sneezy (from ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’)
During a global pandemic? Nope. Sneezy can stay as far away from the bubble as possible.
Elastigirl (from ‘The Incredibles’)
You could argue that the Lakers have arguably the best size and length in the league, helped by LeBron James playing point guard sometimes in lineups where no one is shorter than 6’6’’. However, you can never have too much size and length if you’re not sacrificing too much speed. Enter Elastigirl from the famous movie franchise, ‘The Incredibles’. There’s no better time to have the first woman in the NBA than right now.
Dory (from ‘Finding Nemo’ and ‘Finding Dory’)
Again, pretty self-explanatory here. Similar to how Pinocchio couldn’t play on the Lakers in regards to covering the X’s and O’s that the Lakers will use to beat their opponents, Dory would also conflict with that part of their play. However, in her case she wouldn’t be able to even remember the plays, let alone execute them. Forgetful as all hell. Get out of here.
Baloo (from ‘The Jungle Book’)
He has height, size, and you know he’s going to be a big time locker room guy. He’ll take Alex Caruso, Kyle Kuzma, and other young guys underneath his wing. Try and picture a Shaquille O’Neal-sized Jared Dudley.
Zeus (from ‘Hercules’)
Is it somewhat unfair to use a classic character from Greek mythology that Disney made their own? Perhaps, but I have to list one of the few gods in this universe for a possible new Laker.
Iron Man (from ‘Iron Man, 2, and 3, assorted Marvel Cinematic Universe films’)
Listen, if I can use Zeus, I can use Tony Stark of Stark Industries. In addition to being able to crush the competition (literally) with his Iron Man suit, he can build even better coronavirus-detecting bracelets for the players. Hell, Tony might even be able to develop a cure for coronavirus in his spare time on the bench. He’s that smart!