It was a dark and dreary day in Los Angeles. The endless rain over the previous two weeks had done nothing to quench my unbelievable thirst, both physically and emotionally.
I walked down the aisles of my local Albertson’s, grocery cart filled with items to make some dope burrito bowls later. As I looked at the many selections of fine water drinking available, three bottles on the very top shelf stood out to me.
Three beautifully designed bottles, with broad shoulders and hourglass figures of various proportions, their purple caps perfectly accentuating the gold trims that shone in that famous grocery store lighting.
Yes, I was looking at the newly released Big Baller Brand water bottles, imported straight from Lithuania by the Big Baller, LaVar Ball, himself.
The label, attached across the circumference of the bottle by a singular piece of clear scotch tape, features a familiar figure: Lonzo Ball shooting his infamous jumper, donning a purple and gold number two jersey with that patented drop shadow. Except this one says “Ballers” across the face of the jersey and the matching shorts, bringing attention to the Balls just as LaVar intended.
Next to Lonzo is the young point guard’s signature and the words “built for this” next to his logo’s brand. What “this” refers to is left to the consumer: basketball, the water bottle industry, shorts with logos that direct the attention to his Lonzos.
More likely, it’s referring to Lonzo’s bravery to advertise water as his father alluded to when the product first became available (h/t Josh Martin of Lonzo Wire):
“Which NBA player is advertising water? No one,” LaVar told 15min.lt’s Marius Jokūbaitis and Donatas Urbonas, according to a translation provided to Lonzo Wire. “Everyone in the US is for some reason too proud for water campaigns. There are energy drinks that get advertised, but no one even thought about water.
“And here we come from overseas with water. Lithuania has the best water in the world. Zero nitrates. Which water is purer than that?”
The Big Baller is right, in fact. Big Baller Brand water comes with zero nitrates, according to the nutritional info provided. According to ZeroWater Filters, nitrates in water can be a health risk to infants and adults with metabolic disorders because it can affect the ability of oxygen to be distributed throughout the body. So BBB water is perfect for the Little Big Ballers in your life.
So there I was, scanning the label of the one-liter water bottle in front of me. In a split second, I decided that this liter of water would go from Lithuania to Chino Hills to my apartment. I was sold by its flashy advertising and its basic (I’m going through a phase) pH balance.
I paid for my groceries without much of a hitch (“I didn’t know they made Big Baller Brand water bottles,” said the bagger. I replied, “Haha, neither did I.”) and took my prized winning home.
After days of being nervous about being let down by what was the most treasured item in my refrigerator (I’m a college student), I finally gathered enough courage to take the plunge into my “Sport Edition” water bottle in all its athletic glory.
I took my first sip of water, relishing in the cold pouring of adrenaline down my esophagus. Suddenly, I felt like I could go out on the court and make at least 40 percent of my free throw attempts, a huge improvement from my usual form.
The purity of the water was beyond anything I had ever experienced. I could not taste a single nitrate or even one drop of acid in the natural mineral water.
LaVar wanted everyone to know that Vytautas “symbolizes history, the king” and I felt like a royal drinking from my chalice as I took another swig of my refreshing drink, available for as low as $1.09 for a half-liter bottle.
The world has not seen an athletic beverage like this since we were introduced to the power of Michael’s Secret Stuff in 1996. More than two decades later, Big Baller Brand may have found the formula to save the Lakers’ season.
