LeBron James has signed. The Lakers have filled out the rest of the roster. Summer League is over. Training camp is about three months away.
We are in the entering the worst part of the NBA off-season. It’s completely dead. We are in desperate need of content.
Which is where this piece comes in. I was recently made aware of a Hunger Games simulator. And the first idea I had was easy.
Put the Lakers into it.
For those unaware of the premise of the Hunger Games, first how are you unaware of the premise of the Hunger Games? But the idea is that teams of two from separate districts (read: states) compete to the death until one man is left standing.
In the movie, there are 12 districts, meaning there were 24 competitors. The Lakers do not have that many players on the roster, so we had to get creative with some of the entrants to fill the space. With that in mind, here are the teams settled upon.
District 1 – LeBron James and Lance Stephenson
District 2 – Magic Johnson and Luke Walton
The two men tasked with taking the Lakers to the promised land.
District 3 – Lonzo Ball and LaVar Ball
If LaVar is going to remain undefeated (NEVAH LOST!), it’s going to come at a steep price this time.
District 4 – Moritz Wagner and Rob Pelinka
The Wolverines might need to become wolves to win.
District 5 – Josh Hart and Kyle Kuzma
It’ll be interesting to see how the two roast each other in the midst of combat.
District 6 – Michael Beasley and Brandon Ingram
I’m going to let you figure out wHy I paired tHese two toGether.
District 7 – JaVale McGee and Rajon Rondo
Is the advanced form of playoff Rondo Hunger Games Rondo?
District 8 – Sviatoslav Mykhaiuliuk and Isaac Bonga
There’s rookie initiation, then there’s this.
District 9 – Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Ivica Zubac
Zubac could truly establish himself as a GOAT with a win today.
District 10 – Shaq and Kobe Bryant
This time when Shaq and Kobe feud, it’ll lead to the climax we all deserve.
District 11 – Mitch Kupchak and Luol Deng
The man who gave Luol Deng his albatross of a contract not joins him in a fight to the death
District 12 – Jeanie Buss and Jim Buss
Jeanie won round one. Can Jim get his redemption?
Per the simulation, each player completes an “action” that could lead to their own death, someone else’s death or no death. I won’t include every update, but just important or notable ones.
Errr….this hasn’t ended well in the past.
This went about as well as Kobe’s rap career.
It’s nice to see the Lakers take the principles of the offense and apply them to Hunger Games.
I guess that answers the question about Rondo.
Something tells me this won’t be the last time this happens.
Looks like LeBron is quickly embracing his new teammates.
Day One Deaths
Rajon Rondo, Kobe Bryant
Guess Bonga should have stayed overseas for a season.
OK, this seems a bit much. First Walton refuses to play him now this? Insult to injury.
I guess you could say Pelinka could really use some…manna from heaven.
Day Two Deaths
Maybe people were right to question those free agent signings.
LeBron back to choking in the clutch amirite?
Day Three Deaths
Luke Walton, LeBron James
LaVar is playing with his food at this point.
Word has it Stephenson was looking for a competitor’s ear to blow in.
LiJoshua Hart is the newest member of the Ball family.
I see Ingram’s really developed his killer instinct over the summer.
Day Four Deaths
Lance Stephenson, Ivica Zubac
Buss is half responsible for giving Deng a contract no one else would and how does he repay him?
Mitch is really willing to do anything to get back into the Lakers organization.
I guess the Lakers’ continued roasting really did lead to dissension amongst the young core.
Well, this went worse than a free agency pitch meeting with LaMarcus Aldridge.
Day Five Deaths
Jim Buss, Kyle Kuzma, Mitch Kupchak, Magic Johnson
Even in the midst of battle, Deng is mentoring the youngsters.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THAT SHELTER!?!?
I see everyone is handling the death of LeBron well.
No victory royale for Josh Hart in the real Fortnite.
Day Six Deaths
Lonzo Ball, Luol Deng, Jeanie Buss, Mo Wagner, Rob Pelinka, JaVale McGee, Josh Hart
Ingram suffered the same fate of about every center in the mid-2000s when trying to defend Shaq.
Michael Beasley has discovered how to use 11 percent of his brain now.
Mykhaiuliuk outlived the rest of the young core, but the Uk-Rain Maker won’t be bringing the thunder to everyone else and I’m so sorry for this joke.
Day Seven Deaths
Brandon Ingram, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Svi Mykhailiuk
BIG BALLER BOMBS
NEVAH DRANK WATER!
Day Nine Deaths
Rumor has it he poisoned it with a copy of Kaazam.
Winner – Shaq
The sweet irony of Shaq finishing first and Kobe Bryant finishing last.