Which Los Angeles Laker would win in Hunger Games?

LeBron James has signed. The Lakers have filled out the rest of the roster. Summer League is over. Training camp is about three months away.

We are in the entering the worst part of the NBA off-season. It’s completely dead. We are in desperate need of content.

Which is where this piece comes in. I was recently made aware of a Hunger Games simulator. And the first idea I had was easy.

Put the Lakers into it.

For those unaware of the premise of the Hunger Games, first how are you unaware of the premise of the Hunger Games? But the idea is that teams of two from separate districts (read: states) compete to the death until one man is left standing.

In the movie, there are 12 districts, meaning there were 24 competitors. The Lakers do not have that many players on the roster, so we had to get creative with some of the entrants to fill the space. With that in mind, here are the teams settled upon.

District 1 – LeBron James and Lance Stephenson

Duh.

District 2 – Magic Johnson and Luke Walton

The two men tasked with taking the Lakers to the promised land.

District 3 – Lonzo Ball and LaVar Ball

If LaVar is going to remain undefeated (NEVAH LOST!), it’s going to come at a steep price this time.

District 4 – Moritz Wagner and Rob Pelinka

The Wolverines might need to become wolves to win.

District 5 – Josh Hart and Kyle Kuzma

It’ll be interesting to see how the two roast each other in the midst of combat.

District 6 – Michael Beasley and Brandon Ingram

I’m going to let you figure out wHy I paired tHese two toGether.

District 7 – JaVale McGee and Rajon Rondo

Is the advanced form of playoff Rondo Hunger Games Rondo?

District 8 – Sviatoslav Mykhaiuliuk and Isaac Bonga

There’s rookie initiation, then there’s this.

District 9 – Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Ivica Zubac

Zubac could truly establish himself as a GOAT with a win today.

District 10 – Shaq and Kobe Bryant

This time when Shaq and Kobe feud, it’ll lead to the climax we all deserve.

District 11 – Mitch Kupchak and Luol Deng

The man who gave Luol Deng his albatross of a contract not joins him in a fight to the death

District 12 – Jeanie Buss and Jim Buss

Jeanie won round one. Can Jim get his redemption?

Per the simulation, each player completes an “action” that could lead to their own death, someone else’s death or no death. I won’t include every update, but just important or notable ones.

Day One

The Start

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator.png

Errr….this hasn’t ended well in the past.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (1)

This went about as well as Kobe’s rap career.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (2).png

It’s nice to see the Lakers take the principles of the offense and apply them to Hunger Games.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (3).png

I guess that answers the question about Rondo.

Day One

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (4).png

Something tells me this won’t be the last time this happens.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (5)

Looks like LeBron is quickly embracing his new teammates.

Day One Deaths

Rajon Rondo, Kobe Bryant

Night One

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (6).png

Guess Bonga should have stayed overseas for a season.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (7)

OK, this seems a bit much. First Walton refuses to play him now this? Insult to injury.

Day Two

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (8)

I guess you could say Pelinka could really use some…manna from heaven.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (9).png

NEVAH FOUND!

Day Two Deaths

Isaac Bonga

Night Two

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (10)

NEVAH SLEEP!

Day Three

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator.png

Maybe people were right to question those free agent signings.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (1)

LeBron back to choking in the clutch amirite?

Day Three Deaths

Luke Walton, LeBron James

Night Three

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (2)

LaVar is playing with his food at this point.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (3).png

Word has it Stephenson was looking for a competitor’s ear to blow in.

Day Four

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (4).png

LiJoshua Hart is the newest member of the Ball family.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (5)

I see Ingram’s really developed his killer instinct over the summer.

Day Four Deaths

Lance Stephenson, Ivica Zubac

Night Four

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (6).png

Buss is half responsible for giving Deng a contract no one else would and how does he repay him?

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (7).png

Mitch is really willing to do anything to get back into the Lakers organization.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (8).png

I guess the Lakers’ continued roasting really did lead to dissension amongst the young core.

Day Five

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (9).png

Well, this went worse than a free agency pitch meeting with LaMarcus Aldridge.

Day Five Deaths

Jim Buss, Kyle Kuzma, Mitch Kupchak, Magic Johnson

Night Five

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator.png

Even in the midst of battle, Deng is mentoring the youngsters.

Day Six

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (1).png

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THAT SHELTER!?!?

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (2)

I see everyone is handling the death of LeBron well.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (3).png

No victory royale for Josh Hart in the real Fortnite.

Day Six Deaths

Lonzo Ball, Luol Deng, Jeanie Buss, Mo Wagner, Rob Pelinka, JaVale McGee, Josh Hart

Night Six

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (4).png

Ingram suffered the same fate of about every center in the mid-2000s when trying to defend Shaq.

Day Seven

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (5).png

Michael Beasley has discovered how to use 11 percent of his brain now.

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (6).png

Mykhaiuliuk outlived the rest of the young core, but the Uk-Rain Maker won’t be bringing the thunder to everyone else and I’m so sorry for this joke.

Day Seven Deaths

Brandon Ingram, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Svi Mykhailiuk

Night Seven

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (7)

LaMichael Beasley?

Day Eight

Nothing

Night Eight

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (8).png

BIG BALLER BOMBS

Day Nine

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (9)

NEVAH DRANK WATER!

Day Nine Deaths

LaVar Ball

Night Nine

BrantSteele Hunger Games Simulator (10).png

Rumor has it he poisoned it with a copy of Kaazam.

Winner – Shaq

The sweet irony of Shaq finishing first and Kobe Bryant finishing last.

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