Rounding up the latest Lakers draft rumors

Editor’s Note: The following article is (probably) satire

With rumors of the Lakers looking to trade their top-three draft pick (if retained), there have been a few more whispers around the league about what the purple and gold plan to do leading up to Draft Day. These rumors could be real or just noise, so take what you are about to read with a grain of salt.

Rumor #1: Trade the pick for Bill Murray.

The Lakers are in desperate need of a superstar. If they trade their top pick for the Tune Squad’s Murray, it may increase the chances of Michael Jordan coming out of retirement and signing with the Lakers. One league source says Los Angeles has had their eye on the star pairing ever since Kobe announced his retirement.

Rumor #2: The Lakers will replace Mitch Kupchak for representation at the Lottery.

Just a few days ago, Mitch Kupchak was supposed to be the Laker’s rep at he Lottery, but now there are rumblings that they are looking to find someone new to send. One of the new candidates is Young Money mogul, Birdman. The Lakers are tired of having their name played with. They want Birdman to pull up on the NBA and make sure people are putting some “respek” on it. Respek our f*ckin Lakers.

Rumor #3: Draft DeAndre Bembry at pick #32.

This is a real possibility, but I’m overlooking everything Bembry has done on the hardwood and focusing on one thing. His hair. DeAndre would instantly put the Lakers in consideration for the league’s best hair, assuming they ship Nick Young out. If Marcelo Huertas comes back and grows his luscious locks out, the franchise as a whole would deserve a deal with Head & Shoulders.

Rumor #4: If the Lakers lose their pick, they’ll be aggressive in signing UDFA’s.

It would hurt the Lakers to miss out on selecting Top 3 in the draft, but there is one superstar caliber player set to go undrafted: our own Gary Kester. Sources say that he will be the guy the Lakers will zero-in on when the draft ends. You name it, Gary can do it. Rain down fire from behind the arc, put the ball on the floor and get to the hoop, or break defenders’ ankles. I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t at least get a camp invite.

Rumor #5: GM’s fear Mitch Kupchak will work his devil’s magic at Draft Lottery.

General managers around the league collectively sh*t themselves when it was announced that Mitch Kupchak will represent the Lakers when the ping pong balls are drawn. Each GM in the bottom 14 of the league is trying to formulate a plan for when Mitch is pressuring them (successfully) to surrender their team’s franchise player. Not only will the Lakers end up with the first overall pick, but they will end up bagging players such as Karl-Anthony Towns, Joel Embiid, and Devin Booker. The future is bright.

The weeks leading up to the Lottery and Draft are will be entertaining, to say the least. My best advice is to act as if the Lakers don’t have a pick. If they end up with it, then go ahead and celebrate. It wouldn’t be the greatest idea to get your hopes up, because there’s a 44.2% chance you will be let down.

My source:

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