I was summoned for jury duty last month, and today was the day I had to go in. It was eerily similar to something I’m familiar with: watching the Los Angeles Lakers play basketball. Here’s a running diary of my day of public service.
7:30 a.m.- I have arrived. I’m overdressed, and as a result, I am the best-dressed person here. Just like Kobe. #KobeSystem
8:30 a.m.- Introduction to jury duty: Like the first quarter, it was slow, drawn out, and really crappy. You know what is going to happen the rest of the day (or game) and you know every answer to the questions being asked.
9:10 a.m.- Watching a video of former jurors- The video is so outdated that it is funny to watch. The Metta World Peace of government videos. A little time has passed after the video, and there is nothing but silence. Usually, this is the part where the Lakers begin to show a little life, but it is dead in here. A bright spot: Biggie’s “Party and Bullsh*t” came on.
9:34 a.m.- I need to get out of here. The Wi-Fi is slower than Roy Hibbert getting up off the floor and running down the court. This is more painful to experience than a 2-15 shooting night from Kobe.
10:00 a.m.- First break: I do not care enough to get out of my seat, appreciating the space around me- much unlike the lack of spacing in the Lakers’ offense. POSITIVE: while everyone is at the break, Wi-Fi speed picked up to “Jordan Clarkson in transition” levels.
10:17 a.m.- Oh, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin Day, watching this video:
10:22 a.m.- People are back, Wi-Fi is performing worse than Marcelo Huertas vs Brandon Knight.
10:31 a.m.- Power Point presentation- more informative than the Lakers broadcast duo. Slightly.
10:36 a.m.- Thinking about how I’ll spend my prize money for my perfect Lakers Outsiders March Madness bracket.
10:39 a.m.- Remembered how much Byron Scott looks like Sgt. James Doakes from ‘Dexter’.
10:50 a.m.- Like most days, I’m wondering what Ryan Kelly would look with a mullet. So I did this:
(Side Note: I have my laptop with me, but I’m in a public place, so I have to remind myself not to do anything Kurt Rambis would do.)
11:23 a.m.- QUACK…QUACK…QUACK…QUACK
There are 3 guys that look like Emilio Estevez in here.
— Grant Goldberg (@grantgoldberg) March 16, 2016
11:30 a.m.- Lunch break, I’m free (for the time being) like D’Angelo when he was put back into the starting lineup. Lunch is here and it brings the sweet relief of pain like halftime does. Only to come back to the hell that I currently reside in. Okay, this is way too similar to this Lakers season.
11:36 a.m.- Walking to Chipotle. I’m a risk taker.
11:56 a.m.- Finishing my food, I see a guy wearing a Shaq Lakers shirsey. Respect.
12:26 p.m.- Found an outlet to charge my laptop. I have found life like when D’Angelo re-enters the game. I probably stole somebody’s seat, I bet they are NOT happy.
1:00 p.m.- We are halfway there.
1:14 p.m.- Kendrick’s ‘untitled unmastered’ is powering me through this. Like Laker games, I need outside inspiration to help me finish it out.
1:30 p.m.- No cases have been called yet, so far today is like a missed Larry Nance, Jr. dunk. Potential for a lot, but nothing of significance actually happens.
1:48 p.m.- Best part of the day was watching this video:
— Andrew Martinez (@IamDrewInLA) March 16, 2016
2:48 p.m.- I’m fairly sure a man behind me is sleeping, but I’m afraid if I look back then he’ll look at me with a Kobe-like death stare.
2:50 p.m.- He is snoring. I’ve been there during more than a few 3rd quarters this year. Also, a man with majestic long hair just walked by me. Must be related to Ryan Kelly.
3:26 p.m.- Jurors are called to the waiting room, something is happening. Preparing for the worst, as I do before all contests the Lakers participate in.
3:28 p.m.- I AM FREE. ALL CASES WERE RESOLVED! I am experiencing a feeling comparable to beating the Celtics.
No Black Eyed Peas songs were played today, and I was the most famous person there. Some of the only things that weren’t relatable to when the Lakers take the floor at Staples Center.