The Most Scientific Lakers Season Preview Ever

We’ve all seen some kind of season preview featuring “experts” offering their opinion on how the upcoming campaign is going to go. Thing is: There’s literally no way to predict injuries, player movement and development, coaching changes and other weird things that could completely alter the league’s landscape. So, we here at Lakers Outsiders took it upon ourselves to create a full-proof prediction system with the bottomless pit of resources at our disposal.

Our resources: A Lakers ball marker, a piece of notepad paper and a pen.

Yup. I flipped a coin 82 times to predict how this season will play out. What could possibly go wrong? I skipped the preseason because those are imaginary games and my system is much too scientific to be wasted.

10/28: MIN – L. Well, the season has started less than auspiciously.

10/30: @SAC – W. That’s more like it. Wins up in Sacramento are always fun.

11/1: DAL – W. We’re going streaking!

11/3: DEN – W. We’re going 82-1. Mark it down, right now.

11/6: @BKN – W. Brooklyn stinks, so this makes sense.

11/8: @NYK – W. See immediately above.

11/9: @MIA – W. Alright, this is getting kinda weird.

11/10: @ORL – L. That’s more like it.

11/13: @DAL – L. Looks like the streak is moving in the wrong direction, this time.

11/15: DET – W. The losing streak has been snapped. Such toughness!

11/16: @PHX – L. *Fart noise*

11/20: TOR – W. Take that, Drake.

11/22: POR – W. Boy, poor Blazers fans.

11/24: @GSW – L. This will be ugly. I feel comfortable in this prediction.

11/28: @POR – ┬áL. Even in imaginary flip coin land, the Lakers can’t win in Portland.

11/29: IND – W. #RoyHibbertRevengeGame.

12/1: @PHI – W. Remember last year, when this would piss us off? I won’t miss that.

12/2: @WAS – W. Clarkson/Russell > Wall/Beal. Who knew?

12/4: @ATL – W. #LouWilliamsSemiRevengeGame.

12/6: @DET – L. The Pistons might actually make the playoffs, so a loss in their building isn’t as bad as it once might’ve seemed.

12/7: @TOR – L. Alright, Drake. ‘Til next season.

12/9: @MIN – W. The Lakers make up for their opening night loss.

12/11: @SAS – W. “Don’t cha wish your teammates were good like mine?” – The Lakers to LaMarcus Aldridge, probably.

12/12: @HOU – L. This loss is on me for singing Pussycat Dolls.

12/15: MIL – W. Clarkson proves to everyone why he should’ve been invite to Team USA camp over Michael Carter-Williams.

12/17: HOU – W. Watching Dwight Howard lose in STAPLES is just the greatest.

12/19: OKC – L. It’s alright, the Lakers just feel bad for eventually taking both/either Kevin Durant and/or Russell Westbrook.

12/22: @DEN – Winning in Denver is always tough. No need to get too Moody, eh.

12/23: OKC – W. About Westbrook and Durant…

12/25: LAC – L. Welp, there goes Christmas.

12/27: @MEM – L. May as well grin and bear the Grit N’ Grind.

12/28: @CHA – W. #BloggersWhoHadToDealWithLinStansRevengeGame.

12/30: @BOS – L. Losing to Boston sure would suck.

1/1: PHI – L. This is not how I’d like to ring in the New Year.

1/3: PHX – L. Is it too late to tank? (It would be, in this scenario)

1/5: GSW – L. Are you sure? (Yup. Unless they lose every game here on out)

1/7: @SAC – L. ARE YOU SURE? (Weeeeeeelp…)

1/8: OKC – W. Phew. We’re back on track!

1/10: Utah – W. We’re streaking again!

1/12: NOP – W. Will this streak ever end?! NOPE!

1/14: @GSW – W. WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?

1/16: @Utah – L. *Fart Noise*

1/17: HOU – W. More Dwight Howard losing in Los Angeles is never a bad thing.

1/20: SAC – W. #FormerFutureLaker Rajon Rondo probably won’t like this.

1/22: SAS – L. It’s cool. This isn’t Kobe’s last home game against the Spurs.

1/23: @POR – W. Proof this might not be very scientific: The Lakers win in Portland. That and a few other aspects, but still.

1/26: DAL- L. In exchange for losing this game, the Lakers should get the rights for Justin Anderson. It’s only fair.

1/28: CHI- L. Pau Gasol comes back to STAPLES and beats his former team. He deserves it for being such a nice guy, to be honest.

1/29: @LAC – L. Maybe win a game soon, Lakers?

1/31: CHA – W. Thanks.

2/1: MIN – W. Karl-Anthony Towns is a obviously a bust.

2/4: @NOP – L. Anthony Davis is good at basketball. #FutureTweet

2/6: @SAS – L. More ammo for the wrong side in the Duncan/Kobe conversation. Great. (For the record they’re as close as two players almost any two players have been from the same era)

2/8: @IND – W. MOAR ROY HIBBERT REVENGE GAME.

2/10: @CLE – L. Wins in Cleveland this season are gonna be ridiculously tough to come by.

— ALL STAR BREAK — To recap to this point… The Lakers are 29-26 and, honestly, fans would be ecstatic with this first half. Better yet, it’d give the team the opportunity to pretend ESPN’s Preseason Forecast motivated them. Woohoo cliches!

Also, they play an extremely home-heavy March, so playoff hopes might actually be alive.

2/19: SAS – W. If this is indeed the last time Lakers fans see Kobe share the court with Tim Duncan at home, it would be pretty cool to usher that era off with a win.

2/21: @CHI – L. As a sendoff for Kobe in Chicago, the Bulls could troll Scottie Pippen and show highlights of the former crossing him over for the lob to Shaq.

2/22: @MIL – W. The Lakers win on National Derek Fisher day. Cool.

2/24: @MEM – W. Hibbert gets the better of Gasol/ZBo because of course he does.

2/26: MEM – W. HIBBERT GETS THE BETTER OF GASOL/ZBO BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES.

3/1: BKN – L. Winning two in a row against Memphis then turning around to lose at home against the lousy Nets would sum up what I believe this season to be.

3/2: @DEN – L. Elevation sickness is the worst.

3/4: ATL – W. The last five games in this hypothetical are hilariously random.

3/6: GSW – L. Hey! A return to normalcy.

3/8: ORL – W. Here’s where things start to get a little crazy.

3/10: CLE – W. As I was saying…

3/13: NYK – W. This makes sense, but still.

3/15: SAC – W. See immediately above.

2/18: PHX – W. We’re going crazy over here…

3/22: MEM – W. We’re streaking like Will Ferrell!

3/23: @PHX – W. MY LEGS ARE CRAMPING BUT I’M STILL STREAKING.

3/25: DEN – L. Blame my mom. It’s her birthday and she was really slow with the meatloaf.

3/27: WAS – W. And they’re back on track. Thank goodness for the eastern conference.

3/28: @Utah – W. More like Rudy No-bert. (This can also be a compliment and will probably be recycled)

3/30: MIA – W. The Lakers top off a crazy March where they put themselves smack-dab in the middle of the playoff race.

4/3: BOS – W. Kobe’s last game against Boston at home had better be a win.

4/5: @LAC – W. Clippers gonna be Clipper and the Lakers might actually pull off a miraculous playoff chase.

4/6: LAC – W. Holy crap is this gonna happen?! 50 wins seems possible!

4/8: @NOP – W. Can even Anthony Davis stop this team? NOPe!

4/10: @HOU – W. Get out of our way, Houston, the Lakers have 50 wins directly in their sights.

4/11: @OKC – W. AND THEY DID IT OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS THE GREATEST FEELING EVER.

4/13: Utah – L. *Fart Noise*

— SEASON RECAP — 50-32. There is almost literally no chance the season actually plays out like this, but who among us can argue with such precise science as a Lakers ball marker, a piece of paper and a pen? Not I, for one.

 

 

 

 

Author: Anthony F. Irwin

The old guy.

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