George Mikan, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O’Neal and Pau Gasol. What do these all-time great Laker big men have in common? Simple: They are not the legend, the phenomenon — Robert Sacre.
Fans of the Los Angeles Lakers have not been blessed with a player possessing the combination of high fives, towel waving, dance moves and general bench shenanigans since the greatest of all-time clapped his hands ferociously on a nightly basis. “Turn up” was never in his vernacular because he simply does not ever turn down. I don’t even need to say his name, since you know who I am talking about already, but I will anyway. The one, the only, “Mad Dog” Mark Madsen. I mean, have you seen these dance moves?
Ah, good times.
That’s the past, though, and the Lakers now have someone filling those shoes beautifully. So well, in fact, we decided to dedicate an entire day — the best day of the week — to him.
How much does Sacre mean to this franchise? Unreliable sources with completely questionable reports have stated that both LaMarcus Aldridge and DeAndre Jordan would have not only taken pay cuts, but also signed on the dotted line right then and there had the Lakers brought him to their meetings. The sources cited they just wanted to gain as much knowledge as possible from one of the greatest players to ever wear a shooting shirt and button-up pants as his work attire. You can’t blame Sacre for the front office dropping the ball on that one faster than Kwame Brown attempting to catch a pass.
If there is any hope for the future, Mitch Kupchak and Jim Buss will bring Sacre to their inevitable rendezvous with Kevin Durant as he becomes a free agent next summer. And if they don’t, let’s just pray that they make a power point presentation that is merely either a repetitive photograph of Robert, or a picture of the Larry O’Brien trophy with his face pasted where the basketball should be. If not, forget the “swing for the fences and strike out” analogy. The Lakers will have officially been delegated to Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.
Sacre’s talents resonate far beyond the bench. Did you know that it was in fact him, not those damn credit-stealing Skywalkers, that brought balance to the force? How about the fact that he gave Idaho an actual purpose by showing them how to harvest potatoes? Or what about his heroic mission to hunt down, capture and throw Matt Vazin into the Bermuda Triangle so that those of us at Lakers Outsiders no longer had to deal with his undeniably captivating candy tournament brackets? All while using Harrison and his supposed murder sheet backdrop on our podcasts as a diversion for his elaborate plan.
Not sure what your parents have told you about those events, but they were all Bobby. How in the hell else do you think Sasha Vujacic just got another NBA contract? Oh, and did I mention what the “S” on Superman’s suit actually stands for? If you haven’t figured it out by now, I don’t know what to tell you.
The only thing of significance he has not done yet, is fix my Tennessee Titans into a competent football team. I have thrown bags of cash at him on numerous occasions to take this job and every single time I ask, he yells, “Oh hell no!”
He still kept the bags of cash, though.
I would ask for them back, but I enjoy living, until Anthony starts dropping puns faster than Drake destroyed Meek Mill. So if that keeps happening, I may go demand that cash be returned, even if it’s raining from his ceiling as we speak (Speaking of which, can you guys help me with my car payment this month? I have no money left because, well … you know.). I will keep you posted on that.
But anyways, as players like Stephen Curry and LeBron James continue to win the Most Valuable Player award because Sacre rejects the NBA’s offer every year to have him receive it, true fans know who controls this league.
He always will, until he says other wise. Why? Because he is the hero we need, but not the one we deserve.
Instead of going on all day like one easily could about the heir to the Mad Dog’s throne, I will just leave you with this video tribute, courtesy of Believe The Hype:
Robert Sacre: Real. American. Hero (Even though he is also Canadian).